A year ago on this day, i asked a girl to be my valentine, and it was luvly..despite that being the only date we ever went on, i remember the day fondly...it was cheesy and childish and fun, and she had really nice legs, and all in all, i ended the day feeling all warm and fuzzy inside
For a cynic like me, this was something new...i have always considered valentine's day to be a cheap commercial ploy, and i would never have expected my participation in it to result in anything less than an arrogant smirk...
It surprises me that a year on from my first valentine's day date, i find myself regretting not having asked anyone out..
As i lay on my bed typing these words, hoping that they will bring me some measure of comfort, i cant help but think that when it comes to love, i am the complete opposite of a cynic..i am a sucker... a hopeless romantic..a believer in fairytales...
Life to me is perhaps already too bleak for me to view every single thing through the eyes of cold common sense and logic..life needs at least one exception, an aspect that is exempt from the rules of rationality, and in my life, i have found two such exceptions...football, and yes, you guessed it, Love...
Now that the fairytale of Valentine's day is coming to a close, i feel that i have betrayed myself for not making the most of it..more honestly, i have betrayed myself by not making anything of a day where romance is expected and celebrated
And that is why i am torn..should i feel angry at myself, or should i feel depressed...? or should i be feeling angry / depressed not for wasting valentine's day, but for choosing to have such naive views on love..?
Do i really need this fairytale..? does it hurt me more than it helps...? perhaps i'd be better off giving myself two tight slaps and telling myself to snap out of this wispy day dream...
Perhaps a self-serving and practical version of love is what i need...maybe love is nothing more than an attempt to stave off the inborn sense of loneliness all of us possess...
If minus ten were absolute misery, and positive ten were absolute happiness, then maybe love was never meant to get us high into the positives..maybe love just brings us from the negative to as close to zero as possible...
Maybe nobody is right for anybody...maybe putting any two half decent people together is as good as it gets...
Should i believe in love..? should i hold on to the hope that someday, i will meet someone and know..? or should i settle for whoever, and accept as a consolation prize that i now have a lesser chance of dying alone..?
The cynic in me scoffs at his romantic alter-ego, but the romantic within remains resolute, impressively unfazed by the cynic's cold hard stare and sarcastic sniggers!
The notion of an idealistic and sweeping love that i choose to hold onto is a ridiculous gamble, but it is one i cannot afford not to take...
This world would not hold much for me if not for the possibility of such a love, and i have little choice but to wager the safe and bland life of mediocrity promised to us all in the hope of winning big in the sweepstakes of love....
(I will probably die alone)
This is Dreamer, signing off
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